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My apologies as once again this column is no where near my usual
"look on the brighter side" of life commentaries. It's not as though
I am completely without laughter in my life. It's just with my mom's
condition worsening it's getting harder to string together any
series of thoughts that don't some how come crashing back to the
reality that she's dying. It's as though my thought process works
like the sea. There are bouts of perfect calm when everything is
normal but then things get too calm and my mind has a chance to
drift. The next thing you know I'm inundated with waves of sadness.
They pull away long enough to allow memories of funny moments from
my past to resurface. The experiences I never would have guessed my
brain had kept, seem to reappear and vanish again with little rhyme
or reason. It's like getting a glimpse of the perfect shell in the
sand only to have a wave come in to stir things up, stealthily
hiding the prize.
It's weird, but I use to think dying from a terminal illness was a
bit of a blessing in disguise as it gave you and your loved ones a
chance to get your affairs in order. Maybe once the cancer has taken
my mother completely I will return to that way of thinking but for
the time being it's the torturous grinding away of some one I
already know loves me and is likewise well aware of my love in
return. It was when my mom said that she knew God wouldn't give her
more than she could handle, but lately He must think she was up for
a lot. Then I started thinking maybe dying slowly is more like
pregnancy. As the discomfort levels grow, the less fearful we become
of the inevitable events that lie ahead. Hopefully, the rewarding
results will also be the best possible, even better than we
imagined.
Of course, as with every other thought that enters my brain these
days, I can't be sure of its duration or my conviction to it.
However, thanks to the many kind people that have reached out to me,
I do know that a time will come again when I will be able to sit
peacefully on the shore, fully capable of enjoying the ebb and flow
of what life has to offer, with easy access to a pile of shells
beside me that are the many joyful memories I have of my mother.
Editor's note: Since writing this Margie's mom has passed away.
Our most sincere sympathy's are with the family.
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